“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Before I even knew that I was approaching a crossroads, there were little signs along the way. When my children were growing up, I had been a full-time mother while they were in elementary school and middle school. But I sensed in the back of my mind that the day was approaching when they wouldn’t need me as much and I would have to go on another path. The ultimate stage of the empty nest was somewhere in the distance, but I wasn’t there yet. I could still be a stay-at-home mom a while longer. Then, one day my mother asked me, “What are you going to do with your life??”
My goodness! She certainly didn’t beat around the bush! Such an existential question! I thought for a few moments and said, “I don’t know yet.” I felt at that moment as if I were a third grader again when the Assistant Principal, who accompanied me to school one day, asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I had no inkling at that time, and I couldn’t clearly see any future vision of myself except as a mother.
But my mother’s bold question started my mind churning, as if not only my mother but God wanted to know too. I felt as if this were a sneak preview to the day when I would be giving an account of myself before God, and I had better hurry up to prepare.
I knew that I would need to further my education. But what should I study? I decided to take the Myers-Briggs personality test to see what careers might match my personality type. Taking this test confirmed what areas to eliminate. I knew that I was not cut out to become a mechanic, a business manager, or a computer technician. Instead, my personality and values were more suited for the interpersonal, social caring areas: education, social work, ministry. Those three areas were whittled down to two.
I thought about social work. When I was young, my mother went to the Salvation Army and spoke to a social worker, who told her I would be eligible to go to their sleep-away camp, Star Lake Camp, in Butler, New Jersey. I had a wonderful camp experience, so I thought by becoming a social worker I could be very helpful in providing help for needy families. I researched the programs, the coursework, and the length of completion. However, when I talked with some social workers, they honestly admitted their frustration of having to deal with the bureaucratic regulations, which prevented the clients from receiving the help they needed. Their experiences sounded discouraging, and I didn’t want to start on a path that would not have some hope. That left only teaching. However, to embark on that path would mean that I had to face my demons.
Earlier in my life, I had prepared to become a teacher, completing most of the coursework in a master’s degree program. I also had practice-teaching experience, mostly in private school settings. Of course, I did not realize that practice teaching when the regular teacher is present in the classroom is totally different from being a new, inexperienced teacher standing alone in front of a class. Unfortunately, my initial teaching experience in a New York public school was so discouraging, basically because I did not have the experience and wisdom to discipline rambunctious students. I could not survive to complete the school year. I resigned and vowed I never, ever would teach again! For years after, I carried the burden of guilt and shame of having failed the students and myself as well. I had an inner scar of bad memories, a wound that I kept hidden and tried to forget. However, our God is a God of second chances.
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” (Jer. 29:12)
I cannot say that I explicitly prayed out loud asking God’s help in deciding to re-enter education. Maybe, it was more of a heart prayer, an unspoken hope and plea to overcome my deep reservations about my personality and abilities to be a teacher. But in retrospect, of course, He was opening doors so that my entry would be gradual and not overwhelming as it was twenty years ago. Most importantly, in the intervening decades I had gained more life experience, so that with each step on a new path, my self-confidence was less shaky.
There was an ad in the Sunday New York Times classified section seeking a tutor at Bloomfield College. Here was an opportunity to get my foot in the door. I asked my friend, who was a professor at Bloomfield, to write a recommendation letter, and she wrote a very gracious letter. I interviewed, was hired, and started working as an in-class tutor for English writing. By working with individual students one-on-one, for the first time, I felt I could help students with their grammar and essay content. Each time, my spirits were lifted and, little by little, my bruised ego began to heal. Positive experiences built on one another and with a good foundation, I was being readied for the next steps as workshop instructor and Academic Foundations English course instructor.
One day I had an unusual student to tutor, a Thai student. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make any headway in helping her write because her level of English was too basic. I was stymied and challenged, but that experience shifted my focus to decide that to really be helpful, I would need to study Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL). That was a major turning point.
I remember when my children were young, I had to take them to see a pediatric dentist group in Clifton. One particular dentist had amazingly terrible, crooked, and brown teeth. Instead of being a poster child for the dental practice with beautiful pearly whites, he had teeth that were just what you didn’t want your child to have. On another occasion, when I took my youngest son to see a dermatologist for his acne, I was shocked to see the horrible, pitted complexion of the doctor. It was clear to me that both these doctors chose their specialties because of their own personal experiences.
So, when I decided to study TESL, the decision felt organic and so right for me. After all, I had grown up hearing my parents’ accented and often mispronounced English, which I used to correct. I had not really understood why they couldn’t pronounce certain words, but just accepted their imperfect English when I was young. But my mother felt so ashamed of her Japanese pronunciation and that she couldn’t pronounce “world” and “wool,” no matter how hard she tried. I remembered her shame. At this crucial point in my life, God was graciously showing me another direction, so that I would have the tools and knowledge to teach ESL to immigrant students at the college. Perhaps, they would not have to feel embarrassed in the process of improving their English skills. Instead, I hoped they would feel encouraged.
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. (Jer. 29:13-14)
God had been alongside me during this journey, and I thank Him for His attention to my life’s path, His healing, and His nurturing. Even when I didn’t ask out loud, He graciously took care of me. Praise God for leading me out of the dark captivity of guilt and shame and onto a path of hope!
©2022 by Emy Kamihara